


The Many Trials of Eridan Ampora, as Described by a Most-Likely Neutral Third Party, and The Misadventures Which Arose Due to a Prolonged Search For a Proper Matesprit, Kismesis, Moirail, and Auspistice

by TortoiseGeriatric



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TortoiseGeriatric/pseuds/TortoiseGeriatric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan Ampora embarks on an enormous adventure, searching for happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologus

**Author's Note:**

> The future chapters will be significantly longer, but this is just a short introductory chapter to set up all the events that are about to occur.

Eridan Ampora is 27. He has been in approximately 3 relationships. The first was a minor affair in elementary school that barely counted, the second was a joke played on him during his senior year by the Homecoming Queen which eventually resulted in him being passed around the dance floor among the tallest and most brusque of the football team like a human football, and the third was immediately after the aforementioned dance when he decided that he had no need of anyone else romantically and could fill all his own needs with himself. He broke up with himself a week later.

Currently he was an out-of-work actor. He played the part of Estragon in a revival of _Waiting for Godot_ , a deeply symbolic play that can be summarized in five words: Two men wait for Godot. Last night, after four months, the show closed. To "celebrate", everyone in the cast that was legal (four men) went out and got really hammered. At least, that's what he thinks. To say the night was a blur would be an overt overstatement of what exactly he remembered from it. 

Slowly, slowly rising from his sleep with a throbbing like no other in his head, he surveyed his surroundings to calculate the damage done. He was in his apartment, a 1,500 square foot dwelling place which he shared with two of his best friends, Feferi Peixes, who was a supervisor at the New York City aquarium whose stories he loved hearing whenever she wasn't busy with her normal hours and he wasn't busy with the odd, random hours that come with being an actor, and James Sassacre, a comedian whose hours were even more esoteric than his. They both called him Sassy for short, since it seemed like the perfect nickname for someone so well-versed in comedy.

Continuing to survey his surroundings, he noticed he was in the living room, lying on the white sofa that dominated the center of the room. _That's good ___, he thought to himself. If he had come home and passed out on the floor Feferi or Sassy would've slung his thin body over their shoulders and tossed him into bed. This means he was coherent enough to lie down on a piece of furniture. Now, for the third criteria: Vomit. Doing a quick routine check he found no source of vomit or any other bile, which means he wasn't that hung over. Good. Now, the fourth and final criteria: Did he lose anything?

Eridan was missing the following: Roughly $50, all the mints he had in his pockets, a pair of cuff links- 

Wait, what? 

_What?_

__When Eridans' mother died a few years ago, she left him one thing: A pair of fishbone cufflinks that his father wore on her wedding day. This came to him as a shock for two reasons: Firstly, he had no real connection anymore with either of his parents, his mother having been divorced when he was little and never allowing him to see his father, and secondly, he knew he would die young. His mother died of natural causes at the age of 55, and the idea that what would be the autumn years of his friends would be the very last years of his life terrified and angered him._ _

His solemn moment of introspection and worry about his cufflinks was cut short by a knock on the door. He was going to open it, but a few moments later Feferi opened the door and walked in, her arms full of groceries.

"Well, water you waiting for? Give me a fin, and help me out here!"

"Fef, if it's alright, I'm just gonna lay down for a bit. I musta gotten really drunk last night. Was there anything I did? Did I miss anything in the four-point hangover check?"

"Well, you puked in your room, for one. You might not want to go in there, it's really gross. You must have been really drunk last night, between that and using your stage voice, I'd say you pretty much almost failed the wwhole thing. I'm not mad, though. No hard eelings, okay?"

"You're one to talk. You said "out" insteada "trout", so it looks like you failed the hangover check!"

"Water you talking atrout? I wasn't drunk atoll last night! Anycray, get up and get dressed in some clean clothes. You have a very big day ahead of you!"

"Wwater YOU talking atrout? The show closed last night, so I have nothin' to do today. Don't be so caliginous."

"Caliginous?"

"Caliginous, as in dark. Dark as in the opposite a bright. Bright as in the opposite a dim. Dim as in stupid. Stupid as in that wweird psychology book by Terezi Pyrope. Serifishly, wwhat I wwouldn't give to meet that crazy chick. I mean, having a soulmate, a lovwer, a mediator, and a sort of hate-date-lovwer? Cray-fish-razy stuff."

"Don't make out checks that you can't cash, Eridan. Also, you're whelkome."

"Wwhat? You lost me."

"Today you have a date. Same goes for tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day."

"Wwait, so I have a date today? Wwith Terezi the psychologist?"

"Yeah. Since I've known you, you've fin dating approximately...zero people? So, I'm getting you in the game again!"

"By throwwing me into the deep end? Thanks, Fef."

"I have to go. I've been standing here carping to you during my lunch break. See you later Eridan."

"Wwait, Fef, stay for just a mo-"

But before Eridan could say another word, Feferi was out like a shark in a tornado. A sharknado, some might say. And so Eridan was left by himself to prepare for what would be the most odd, incredible two months of his life.


	2. Terezi Pyrope

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you have a date. 

You haven't been on a date before. It's not for lack of trying, though. You're only 5'7'', which isn't very short for an actor, but IS pretty short for a human male. In fact, growing up that was a huge part of why you could never find a date. At least, that's what you hope. You probably should have been suspicious when your high-school "girlfriend" constantly refused to be seen in public with you, but you were so happy that you actually had a girlfriend and she was wonderful and lovely and so kind to be dating you and you thought it was perfect to be with her and just because a relationship is imperfect doesn't mean it's not perfection and you could give up acting and go with something more certain like a sales job if it meant that you two could be together.

And you were crushed when you realized it was all a lie.

Eridan probably should have been more worried about his date. Whether the lack of nervousness was due to him having just woken up, the lingering remnants of a hangover, or his sheer joy at being set up on a blind date with someone, the fact remained that he was incredibly giddy over his date. Entering his room and expecting a disgusting scent, he found his room as clean as when he left it, which still wasn't exceptionally clean, but by no means dirty. Feferi must have tidied up a bit.

"Howw thoughtful," he said to himself.

Deciding what to wear was an agonizing choice. Button-down or T-shirt? Loafers or tennis shoes? Blazer? Hoodie? He spent what was only about half a minute, but what felt like several hours, deciding what to wear. Eventually, he picked out a pair of sapphire cotton skinny jeans, a white T-shirt, a crimson red blazer, and a pair of oxblood loafers. As he approached adulthood, he quickly realized that loafers of the color oxblood (A color in between brown and black) could work with almost anything.

Just as he got dressed, he suddenly became aware of the fact that he was in dire need of a shower. So, taking great care not to wrinkle any of the clothes he had chosen, he took a longer than usual shower, thinking about Terezi the whole time. He also sincerely hoped she was shorter than he was, a sensation which he lacked the feeling of with most of the women he met. After flossing and brushing, he finally found that he was now ready to go on his date. If he had actually bothered checking his phone, he would have been expecting the woman who he had almost literally run over right outside his door.

"Hey! Wwatch where you're wwalkin'! Not every bozo has as light a frame as I do!"

"Watch how you're speaking. Not every woman is going on as much of a date with you as I do!"

Taking a glance, it became apparent to Eridan that the woman standing in front of him was none other than Dr. Terezi Pyrope. She cut a surprisingly imposing frame for someone only 5'5''. With her signature red sunglasses and articles of clothing that were each a radically different color, you would have to have eyesight as bad as hers to miss her on the street.

"Terezi Pyrope. Love the blazer."

"Wwhy thank y-

"It is delicious."

"Do you alwways get this close to people you just met, or just ones you like? Also can you just get away from the blazer, I mean I just washed it and you just keep rubbing your nose on it and-"

"First off, I'm a synaesthetic. It means I smell colors. The color red is especially tasty to my nose. Secondly, I know you, Mr. Coffee, just like you know me. Neither of us know each other directly, but-"

"Terezi."

"What?"

"You're talkin' to my chest. I have black hair, with a subtle purple stripe in it."

"Somehow I thought you'd be shorter. So, go on Mr. Grape Crush."

"That wwas it, actually. Continue."

"I was there last night, at the closing for your show. I just got in from a cross-country tour signing for my book, _Love ^ 4_. Anyway, that's where Feferi met me and told me about you. And that's why we're on a date. So, where should we begin?"

"Personally, I suggest that we do somethin' like grabbin' a bite to eat, and discuss things of mutual interest. How about your book for one?"

Locking the door to his apartment, Eridan and Terezi proceeded outside and into the busy streets of New York City. Fortunately, you're never more than 10 minutes away from a restaurant in the city, and that's even considering the fact that most people travel on foot.

"So, howw did it all come to you? I mean, an idea like that doesn't just come into your head outta the blue, does it?"

"Actually, that's exactly what happened. One night, I was laying in bed and the idea just came to me. It's really not that complicated. Think about it. Don't think of 'love'. Think of 'caring'. Most people enter 'caring' relationships with each other. But there's so much more to the human emotional spectrum that the idea of caring, so why couldn't there be more to the human romantic spectrum than the idea of caring? So, in the four quadrants, two are devoted to positive feelings - your moirail is basically your BFF and your matesprit is your lover - and two are devoted to negative feelings - your kismesis is basically your archrival with benefits and your auspisticizing relationship basically acts as marriage counseling to ensure that nothing threatens the other three quadrants."

"Not gonna lie, Ter, but you might be a genius. After all, an idiot couldn't write a Neww York Times bestseller."

"There's an exception for performers, though."

"Should I be offended or-"

"Don't worry, Eridan. You might be an idiot, but I doubt your book would sell very well."

"..."

"Relax, it's a joke. Hey, this place looks nice!"

If Terezi hadn't pointed it out, Eridan wouldn't even have noticed there was a place. It was simply a dull, weather-beaten black and white sign that read "FOOD AVAILABLE. INQUIRE WITHIN", above a rusty, maroon-colored door.

"Are you sure? I feel like this place may or may not be a front for illicit businessmen. Wwe could go somewwhere else, if you'd pre-"

"C'mon Eridan. For an actor, you sure aren't giving me the idea that this is the best possible place in the world and nothing could go wrong."

Immediately entering, Eridan was assaulted by bright red lanterns casting a red glow across a large, mostly empty red room filled with Chinese symbolism, complete with an enormous, gold-colored dragon right behind what appeared to be a reception desk. An extremely tall and slender asian woman with a nametag that faintly read "Aradia Megido" with what Eridan assumed to be the Chinese spelling written directly below. 

"Liǎng gè biǎo?"

Before Eridan had a chance to show his lack of ability in understand any Eastern language, Terezi spoke up. 

"Shi, Pyrope."

"Zhè biān zǒu"

Smiling happily at Terezi, Aradia motioned for her and Eridan to follow.

"Terezi, you speak Chinese?"

"And six other languages, nine if you count dead languages like Latin."

"So you just happened to pick out a random Chinese restaurant?"

"Hey, I love it."

Eridan looked ruefully at her as they took their place at a table amidst a sea of reds and golds.

"I wwonder wwhy?"

Though worried the menu would be exclusively written in Chinese, Eridan was quite pleased to find that the restaurant catered to people who only spoke the native tongue of the country the restaurant happened to be in.

"Wwell Ter, I think I'll have the Tonkotsu ramen. Wwhat'll you have?"

"Please, Eridan. The shio ramen is to die for. It is delicious, not as much as your blazer is, but delicious nonetheless."

"I'll give you my blazer if it means wwe can go on another date sometime soon."

"You don't have to bribe me to make another date happen."

"Really? Wwell, that's good to hear."

Just at that moment, the same girl who greeted Eridan and Terezi at the door came to take their orders. Her voice was hushed and quiet, and yet they didn't have to strain to hear her.

"Orders?"

After giving the waitress their orders, Eridan attempted to initiate a trick with one of the red candles laying in between Terezi and himself, by putting out the candle with his bare hand.

The trick goes like this: You take two fingers, and pinch the wick of a lit candle and quickly let go. In action, the trick would take barely a third of a second. It's recommended that beginners wet their fingers beforehand, but with enough practice one can do it quickly enough that no such precaution is necessary. Eridan did not have enough practice, and after almost knocking the candle down and burning Terezis' clothing off, he applied his mouth to the wounded fingers.

"Eridaaaan. That wasn't very cool. Let me show you how it's done."

With the remaining candle, Terezi opened her mouth and put it over the flame, taking the candle into her mouth. Closing it, she gently moved up the base of the candle until the unlit wick was visible. She then proceeded to spit a puff of smoke in Eridans face.

"I - You - That wwas - Um - Wwoww - It - Bluh-"

"Eridan, calm down. I know my coolness is overwhelming, but at least have some class."

"Wwell...that wwas impressivwe."

"I was kidding again, please continue dazed mumbling."

"Oh hey, there's our food, Ter."

The same, airy waitress with her unassuming presence barely even acknowledged the existence of Eridan and Terezi, save for a single phrase.

"Please do not desecrate our business."

...

"Totally worth it."

"Totally wworth it, Ter."

"So, how's your ramen?"

"Good. Howw about yours?"

"Mine is absolutely - Shit."

"Wwhat?"

Terezi began clutching her side in pain the very moment after she drank her first spoonful of ramen.

"This ramen is way, way too salty. Please don't let this reflect on our date, I'm going to go do a very uncool thing in the ladies room. 'Scuse me!"

From the way Terezi bolted to the restroom, Eridan would have thought she'd been a cross country runner, but at this moment all he could think about was how lovely Terezi was.

"God, that wwas wwonderful. Sure, she got sick, but wwhy care? It almost feels like fate. Maybe I've already got one a my quadrants filled. Three more to go, I guess. I wwonder if she'll showw me up as a couple? I mean, unless you get it really big people don't all notice you. Evven then, most people don't really care a wwhole lot about the theatre. Oh wwell, I guess I'll just havve to see how it all p-"

"Are you always this noisy, or is it just when you're stupid?"

Standing in front of Eridan was an exotic lady who looked much like the waitress he saw previously, dressed in a tight fitting maroon-colored kimono that barely contained her slim, yet extremely buxom figure.

"Wwhat?"

"Your friend got the ingredient wrong. It wasn't salt bothering her; It was cyanide."

"Wwhat the hell are you talkin' about? Wwho the hell are you?"

*click*

Before Eridan could even react, the lady pulled out a pair of handcuffs that one of her hands was already in, and hooked it around his right hand.

"I'm the woman who poisoned that idiotic psycho psychologist. I'm the woman who's got more blood on her hands that you have in your entire flimsy body. I'm the woman who will break you. I'm the woman who will dominate you. I'm Damara Megido, and I won't take no for an answer. I hope you're strong, fishy, because this shark has you right in front of her fucking mouth. Ready to roll?"

"Wwhat the fuck?"


	3. Damara Megido

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Damara Megido.

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are being kidnapped by an asian. 

It reminds you of the dance where your "girlfriend" revealed her true colors. It was during a slow dance, and the captain of the football team, a seven-foot behemoth, grabbed you under the armpits and "danced" with you, holding you two feet above the ground. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of your life, and yet you feel the threshold for "harrowing experiences" is about to be raised to new heights.

"Wwhat do you mean Ter is dead? I don't believe you!"

"Believe it, worm. I'll show you. We could fool around a bit. I have never had a thing for dead people, but there's a first time for everything, right?"

"Wwhat?"

"I will cut her throat open, you will stick your penis into the incision, and I will lick her blood off of it."

Eridan is not comfortable in the slightest with this arrangement.

Despite Eridans protests, Damara pulled him along, as if the handcuffs connecting the two was a leash that a master would put on a dog. Walking to the far corner of the restaurant, Damara dragged Eridan to three doors; Two the same maroon that was so heavily apparent in the interior design of the building, and in between them one green door with a small metal peephole and no visible lock.

"Left."

Eridan did not move, waiting for Damara to forcefully move him as she made a habit of doing.

"That was an order, pup."

Even though she simply draped her arm around the nape of his neck, Eridan jolted as if she had punched him in the jaw. Obeying, he gingerly opened the door, bracing himself against what he feared he would see. Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, Eridan saw Terezi lying face down without the slightest hint of movement.

"Wwhat the hell? Wwhy did she have to die? Wwhy did you kill her?"

"It wasn't her own fault. She had to die because- No. There's no reason for you to know. Maybe I'll tell you later, if it pleases me. Or if you do."

Eridan had never been so terrified to see a perfectly sculpted smile, and was thankful when a loud slamming of what he assumed to be the front door. He was not so thankful for the nauseating smell of cheap soda that the loud group of patrons stank of. The restrooms were in an offshooting hallway, so fortunately for Eridan , he could neither see nor be seen by the new arrivals.

"We must leave. Come."

Dragging him in front of the green door, Damara loudly banged her fist against the door as hard as she possibly could. A muffled voice came from behind the door.

"Why should I let you in?"

"Because they're already here."

Instantly, the sound of something very heavy being moved came from behind the door, and it swung open.

Entering, Eridan passed by a towering, ogreish guard who could probably break half the bones in his body with a well-placed kick. He had no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever; So much that he was conspicuously inconspicuous. Eridan had already learned that he'd best not ask Damara questions unless he wanted to be terrified beyond compare.

"So you are learning to not ask questions? Bad choice. Because, you see, if you don't ask questions, I can do whatever I want."

"Like wwhat?"

"Like this."

I would describe what Eridan saw next, but he didn't see anything because he was unconscious. Poor sap. I will, however, expound as to what he perceived immediately upon waking. He felt he was on a hard, rock slab of a bed, and each of his four limbs were attached to another creature. What he saw was a faceful of Damara Megidos' nude and exceeding large chest. Do not worry, this sort of borderline-pornographic experience will not continue much longer, for reasons which will become apparent. However, the reasons may in fact be worse than the alternative of a lengthy pornographic scene in the first place.

"Good. You are awake."

"Mphmphmphm!"

"Please continue speaking. It feels incredibly pleasurable on my naked body."

"Mpthththtgpgpthh!"

"I know and understand full well what you are attempting to do by biting me but I can full well assure you that it is having the opposite effect. The pain pleases me, greatly. I'm surprised you still have this much energy after 18 hours."

"Mmm?"

"Alright, I'll let you speak."

Lifting her chest off of Eridan, she put back on her kimono and undergarments immodestly and as casually as if this were a daily event for her. I will not elaborate on whether or not it was; It is not a necessary component to the story at hand. As Eridan was no longer hindered verbally and visually by a well-endowed woman , his eyes gathered that he was probably in some sort of jail cell due to a singular bed, dim lighting, and metal bars.

"Wwhere the fuck am I? Wwhat the hell did we do last night? Wwhat the hell did YOU do last night?"

"What do you remember?"

"I wwalked in a green door, then nothing."

"Good. What happened was as follows: I brought you into this small cell, forcefed you a roofie, and we proceeded to do the most delicious things to each other. Every body part in every orifice."

"So I'm not a vwirgin anymore?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, because if you did say that I would have to sell you into sex slavery."

"Wwhat are you, a pimp?"

"Not directly, no."

"Then wwhat?"

"I'm the Handmaiden. Think second-in-command."

"Wait, you're in a gang?"

"Yes. You did a good enough job to earn you the answers to 10 questions. You've already asked 8. Make the last two count."

"Wwait, I thought I only asked 7?"

"You did. That was question number eight."

"Dammit."

"I was hoping you'd fall for it. You seemed smart, yet gullible enough."

"First-off, is there some sort of gang wwar going on right noww?"

"What, from the fact that we ran away? Yes, we are in a gang war. There are four different gangs:

First off, ours; The Crimson Dragons. We've been around for about three generations, starting with my mother, but have recently come into new management. I used to be the Matriarch and leader, but I yielded power to a man who I think will bring us greater glory in the long-run. Besides, I'm getting on in years. I had hoped Aradia might one day rule but I fear that if she ever does, I won't even be able to see it. Would you believe that I'm 68 years old?"

Eridan was too distracted by the fact that he not only lost his virginity to a 68-year-old woman, but didn't even remember it, to ask about who the man in question was. If Eridan had thought to ask, though, he would have only learned information which he would have learned either way.

"Secondly, there are The Skulls. Supposedly an extremely elite group, they're new on the scene and incited the war we're in at the moment. Supposedly, anyway. Apparently they're run by some english guy. As far as mobs go, I can't help but think the english are a bunch of pussies. What would this guy do? Wear a monocle and impolitely drub us with a fancy cane? Please.

Third, and foremost, The Juggalos. They're brute force; No organized tactics for them, but I hear rumors that the Englishman in charge of The Skulls has it close with the two at the top - 'The Mirthful Executives', they call themselves. We both known that's bullshit. Anyway, the point is that any member of a Juggalo gang is a dangerous Juggalo, but lately, apparently they've started getting smart. That's a very bad thing.

Now, the fourth gang is the Midnight Crew, but they're not really a gang. Only four guys, and without any real obvious agenda. They're sort of like a renegade crime-fighting squad, if instead of crime they just sort of fought everyone without discriminating between who and who doesn't need a chestful of bullets. Next question?"

"Wwhy did Ter havve to die?"

"I'm afraid I can't answer that question, fishbait."

"Wwhy not? Wwe had a deal, didn't wwe?"

"Shut up. I liked you better when you were not a dumbass. Look to your left."

Turning to his left, he saw a man in Juggalo paint opening the cell block door, carrying a club in his hand.

"HeLlO MoThErFuCkEr"


	4. Gamzee Makara

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you have been kidnapped by Asians who are gangsters who have been kidnapped by Clowns who are also gangsters.

In hindsight, you should have seen the break-up coming. You heard rumors of what would happen, but vehemently defended your girlfriend. Because you truly do love her. Even if she could be manipulative, cruel, and two-faced, the fact still remains; You loved her. Even after the lingering fondness you may have had for her has long faded, you will still have loved her. From the day you first noticed, people berated you for how stupid doting on her was. The first week you started "dating", you got in a huge shouting argument with your best friend over her. You saw yourself as Don Quixote, valiantly defending her honor and dedicating your every good deed in her name. 

"Wwho are you?"

"MoThErFuCk, YoU aRe StUpId. BuT tHaT's OkAy. SmArT pEoPlE uSe BiG wOrDs ThAt MaKe My HeAd SpIn. Or MaYbE tHaT's ThE bOoZe. It'S oKaY. yOu JuSt GoTtA fInD tHe LiTtLe ThInGs In LiFe AnD bE hApPy WiTh WhAt MiRaClEs YoU gOt."

As Gamzee lay down his juggling clubs and unlocked Damaras' handcuffs, freeing Eridan in the process, Damara seemed to hunch over, drained of life.

"It was fun, kiddo. Too bad I have to hand the baton to this fuck."

"Damara, wwhy are there juggalo guys in your base?"

"CoMe On ErIdAn. SeE, tHe MiRaClE oF tHaT iS tHaT wE aRe AcTuAlLy On OuR TuRf. IsN't ThAt WoNdErFuL?"

Taking Eridan and lifting from the waist, Gamzee slung Eridan over his shoulders. Keeping one hand on Eridan to balance him, Gamzee picked up his clubs, and walked out of the cell, greeting someone as he left the room itself.

"HeY bRo. LoOkS lIkE yOu FiNaLly GeT sOmE aLoNe TiMe WiTh DaMaRa MeGiDo. I kNoW hOw MuCh YoU'vE BeEn WaItInG fOr ThIs. SeE yOu LaTeR."

Just before Gamzee kicked the door shut, Eridan could have sworn he heard Damara mutter something, so quiet that were it not for the fact that she was the only person in there he wouldn't have believed she say it. He couldn't make out what she said, but if he could it would have sounded like this:

"Help me."

Feeling a cold wind against his back, Eridan could sense he was now outside. The moonlight shone on his surroundings, and from the massive junk heaps around him, he seemed to be in a sort of makeshift prison in the middle of a junkyard.

"HeY tHeRe MoThErFuCkEr. Do YoU lIkE gAmEs?"

"Um. Um. I suppose so? Wwhat sort of games?"

"GiMmE a MoMeNt, I'lL sEt It Up."

Tossing Eridan onto the ground, Gamzee grabbed several kettle-shaped weights, which Eridan could vaguely make out as being 50 pounds each, as if they were nothing, and unceremoniously dropped them near Eridans arms and legs. Eridan stayed perfectly still, not because he was afraid of what Gamzee would do if he stayed put, but because he was afraid of what even more people would do if he attempted to move in any way. Eridan heard a clicking noise as each of his four limbs were handcuffed to the weights.

"I cAlL tHiS tHe QuIeT gAmE."

"Wwhat the hell is the quiet game? Wwhat in the fucking hell are you doing?"

"YoU fEeL tHoSe WeIgHtS? tRy AnD lIfT tHeM uP. Go On!"

Eridan tried, feebly. Unfortunately, he couldn't lift a single weight off the ground. He began to regret all the time he spent not being at the gym, which was all the time in general.

"YoU'Re ToO wEaK? tHaT jUsT mAkEs It BeTtEr."

"Wwhat are you doing? Please don't do this."

"HuShHhHhHhHhHhHhHh... LeMmE eXpLaIn ThE rUlEs! YoU aRe ToO wEaK tO LiFt ThOsE WeIgHtS! BuT, wHaT iF I pIcKeD yOu Up? ThOsE wEiGhT's WoUlD bE lOvInG tHe GrOuNd So MuCh, ThEy Be TrYiNg To EsCaPe! BeT tHaT wOuLd HuRt LiKe A bItCh!"

What happened next was moderately unpleasant, so I will be as brief as possible. Yes, Gamzee was brutal, but he had not the slightest trace of class or originality about his endeavors. He lifted the weights, and Eridan felt his arms and legs pop out of their sockets. He eventually passed out due to pain, whereupon Gamzee made a statement bitching about how weak he was. Really, I don't like those Juggalos in the slightest. Not only what they did to the Handmaiden, but also what they did to Eridan. Anyway, a man in an extremely nice suit came by and shot Gamzee in the leg. He then broke the handcuffs and carried Eridans body elsewhere. 

But that's a story for another time. 

Next time, in fact. I'll tell you more about what happened to Eridan and the man in an extremely nice suit who wore diamond cufflinks later.


End file.
